Rediscovering Myself: Embracing Joy and Fun
This month, Jackie has graciously handed the blog over to me, declaring that she’s done the last few and it’s my turn to step up!
Lately, I’ve been reflecting a lot on joy and fun. I’ve always been a serial workaholic, obsessed with studying and learning, often overcommitting myself. On top of that, I’m a constant people-pleaser and, above all, a dedicated mum. I seem to have found ‘comfort’ in spreading myself thin and leaving nothing in the tank for myself. I’m a single mum to two incredible little boys who fill my heart and my world. That’s why our trip to Europe last month with my bestie, Jackie, was transformative in so many ways for me (and not just in a negative way on my bank account!). I struggle terribly with mum guilt—it completely cripples me and controls many of my decisions. I feel like I live my life as a self-sacrificer, but I’ve been OK with that because I know that’s what many of us women do—putting everyone else before ourselves.
To process all the fear and guilt about the holiday, I did about six therapy sessions with Dr. Corry from our Red Flag Project just so I could get on the plane. I needed to get on the plane because we were going to our dear friend’s wedding at the end of the trip, and I didn’t want to miss that beautiful moment!
I know it sounds kind of crazy—if I’m lucky enough to have saved the money to go to Europe, who wouldn’t absolutely jump at a few weeks enjoying the European summer without the kids and with their best friend? To give you an insight into the way my brain works: I was riddled with guilt about leaving my children to do something for myself. How could I possibly be so selfish? Also, it felt selfish to spend that money on myself when it could have been something for the three of us. It was a completely foreign feeling for me to choose myself, and I felt really uncomfortable about it. I tried to lean into that saying, “fit your own oxygen mask first.” I made sure I left notes for my kids to open every three days while I was away, along with a little gift for each of them, like a new handball for school. I tried to make sure everything was as easy as possible for them while I was away, and the boys would be with their dad, with whom I have a great co-parenting relationship.
Jackie actually took the early morning flight to London out of Sydney, while I opted for the night flight because I didn’t want to miss my kids’ soccer games during the day. Once I was at the airport, I panicked and almost went home—I actually messaged Jackie saying I wasn’t so sure about this idea anymore. I know it wasn’t ideal for Jackie, who had just landed in Dubai, starting off on a trip we had planned for a year, only to get a message from me saying I might not be coming. But in true bestie style, she didn’t say, “Gemma, get on the bloody plane,” which is probably what I would have said if the roles were reversed! Instead, she wrote me a long message about what an incredible mum I am, how she sees that in my day-to-day life, and how I need to accept that I deserve fun for myself. Her compassion helped, and the next thing I knew, I had a glass of champagne in hand, wiped away my tears, and made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t spend the whole time away feeling bad—that I would embrace joy.
Now that I’m back, I can say that our trip has completely changed my life. It wasn’t just the moments of pure, wet-your-pants belly laughter, the ghosts that infiltrated my sleep (anyone who watched Jackie’s Insta stories will know what this is), or the breathtaking vistas—it was because I found who I was again. I found the Gemma before I was married (and divorced), before being a mum, before responsibility, and before pressuring myself to climb the career ladder. I found the girl I had completely lost touch with. I felt a sense of freedom, of nurturing myself, and feeling bloody great about it. I loved reconnecting with my early-20s self.
So, let me share some other things from the holiday that were outside the norm for me…
I actually drank wine at night. I don’t usually do this during the week because I have two little people to be responsible for, and I always put pressure on myself to “do the right thing.” But on holiday, it wasn’t necessary, and those nightly rosé glasses were fantastic!
I would lay in bed with two cups of tea in the morning and read my book, simply because I could. There was no need to hurry.
Depending on how many glasses of rosé I had, there was occasionally a can of Coke at (late) breakfast.
I smoked a few cigarettes—now, I don’t condone this at all, but having a few naughty cigarettes felt bad, but also so good.
I had a one-night stand in Greece—I won’t say much here, other than I’ve never had a one-night stand before, ever. I’ve always been a relationship girl, and he was great, so I chose well for my first at 41!
I ate whatever I wanted.
I danced a lot, and I didn’t care what people thought of my dancing. I didn’t feel self-conscious like I normally would.
I meditated without interruption for 30-45 minutes every day.
I slept in a bed by myself every night—my youngest child still comes into my bed in the middle of the night, so having the ability to stretch out felt glorious.
I slept naked—Jackie and I had a very funny discussion about this because I always sleep with pyjamas on, so sleeping naked felt wild, haha!
I talked to so many new people everywhere we went. I would strike up conversations and not be in a hurry, like my usual life demands.
I’m sure plenty of judgments could be made about my choices, but what I would say is that I had FUN. I found a whole side of myself that I had suppressed out of responsibility and putting everyone else first. But now that I’m back, I’m not letting myself regress to being all things to all people and nothing to myself. I’ve learned that I can still be a loving, devoted mum and honour who I am as an individual. It might be small things, but I am actively asking myself every day to “find the fun” for ME. Sometimes that means putting on songs in the morning while I’m making a cup of tea and dancing—really dancing—while I wait for the kettle to boil. Maybe that’s playing the game Sardines with the kids before I start cooking dinner, hiding in tiny cupboards and laughing like a child myself. Or maybe it was last Friday when I didn’t have my boys for the weekend, and I took a glass of wine with me to the shower as I got ready to go out (the old me thinks, ‘This is stupid and dangerous with glass,’ but the new me thinks, ‘Stuff it, stop being so responsible all the time’).
Maybe you’re reading this and relating—maybe you too feel you have lost a sense of yourself or feel weighed down by pressure and responsibility. Or maybe you’re reading this and thinking I sound crazy and that you find honouring yourself easy! But wherever you sit with this concept of pure fun just for you…I hope you give yourself lots of it in August. You deserve it.
Love,
Gemma